Between now and then, til I see you agian.....

So, there is this man who has been haunting my dreams. And my daytimes. And my thoughts. He won't get out of them, and each chance I get to spend time with him, it seems that things are cut abruptly short. I'm left feeling more confused than when we started. It's so frustrating because I'm deep down dying to get to the bottom of all of this... But I can't seem to handle him. And I'm certainly hesitant, if nothing else, for a repeat of nights previous. But, I suppose that is my fault. I feel that he is upset with me, that I have let him down. That while we never really get to have the conversation we both know we're supposed to be having, I know he is only asking me to remember what he's been trying to say. And I wish I could express to him how much I long to hear him say it.....

This man is the voice inside my head...

...and, he has been for as long as I can remember.

As you know, or possibly know, April 5 marks the anniversary of my Grandfather's death. It will be one year. Very few of you really got to experience the pain this caused me. I don't even think I got to, really. I just shut off. I seem to be good at that. Anyway, my refusal to mourn him has resulted in a rather interesting year. I still call. I actually picked up the phone to call him on his birthday. And then, I remembered he was gone. Or, I'll hear a sappy country song while walking through a store and have to stop and turn around because I'm in tears. There have been nights with friends when we are watching a movie, or sitting at a bar talking about mentors and role models and amazing people in our lives and I've had to excuse myself because I couldn't maintain my composure.

I miss him. So much. And I think this is one of the first times I've truly been honest about it, with myself, even. If you remember last year, I only talked about how amazing he was. What we all needed to cherish and keep from the many lessons he taught us. I wrote about a fantastic human being that the world was going to miss. But I tried to keep myself as detached from it as possible.

It is no secret that I have been incredibly stressed out lately. I've had a fair amount of crap I've had to process and try to sort through. And I'm giving it an honest effort. I really am. But, I'm not at all proud of myself.

So, when my grandmother called me, I realized it was time to own up to my faults. Rather than just casually not mention them, because I wasn't ready. I wish it'd been my grandpa I'd told. Since his death, my relationship with my grandma has deteriorated....

Last night, I had the most vivid dream. I dreamt I woke up today and went straight to my computer, as always. I had a comment on a blog I'd posted from a familiar name. I thought to myself "I know that screename...." so I went to the page. It was my grandpa's blog. In my dream, I recalled making him a blog, but he had changed the pictures from the happy, youthful pics of him and my grandma to ones of them old and sick and miserable. It broke my heart. I tried desperately to figure out who had change them and who had emailed me. No one knew the password except he and I. In dream world, I had memories of him calling me and asking if he forgot the password because he didn't want to write it down. It was our little space. As I sat confused, my grandpa walked through my door looking much like the man in the picture above. I remember thinking he'd just finished a Church event. I looked at him and said "Grandpa? But. You can't be here. You're gone." He looked at me and said "I came back." I said "But, grandpa, you're.... You can't be here." He was so kind as he said, "Mickey, you see me, don't you? How would you see me if I'm here?" I sat there bewildered and said "But, grandpa....I don't understand" He gently motioned for me to be quiet and said "It's okay, you'll understand. We need to talk. You will understand. Just give me time. We've needed to talk for a while now, so let's just sit down and talk for a bit." I was going to agree. I wanted to talk to him. Then my phone rang and ripped the dream away from me.

I remember that when he said "I came back," the first thing I thought was, "My Grandpa is Jesus!" That's kind of funny if you remember the link to the Pope last Spring...

This has been weighing on my mind all day. I feel like my grandpa wanted to talk because I had let him down. I have let myself down. But I know he wasn't going to reprimand me. That was simply not his style. I think he wanted to point out my errors, process the why and the what to do, and then just enjoy each other's company. It makes me want to go to sleep so much because I would do anything to have a conversation with him. But I'm so scared.

When I was on break at work, I heard these two songs. First, "Love, Me" by Colin Raye. This brought me to tears. I pushed it aside and went back to work. Then, when taking a break outside listening to the country station again, I heard Holes in the Floor of Heaven" preformed by I'm not sure whom. It was too fitting and too personal.

And something for which I was not at all prepared.

I want to talk to my grandpa. I want to know he's not upset with me so that I can hate myself a little less. Every night since I was a child, I've gone to bed and asked myself "What did I do today? Who was I today. How did I behave? How could I do better." Just like you're supposed to. But, the basis of everything was "Would my behavior have made my grandpa proud?" I really want to say yes to this again. And I have to talk to him in order to do this. Because I'm so disappointed in myself, and so afraid that he won't know I'm trying if I don't tell him.

I don't know why this became such a huge issue, but I'm still crying about it.....

This is the man that has complete control of my heart. And the man that will always be holding onto it. Because it has grown from a piece of his own. I just wish he were here now to help me tend to it...

Finally!

Blogger has been hating me for several days now. Anyhow, here's a post from a few days ago.... Though it's not currently accurate

The world is so funny. Life is so funny. And I'm completely in awe of it. And of other people. They surpass my expectations so often.... There are so many things...

Faith

My best friend and I had an hour long conversation the other day about how he is going to be a religious studies major and wants to do ministry for a living. Perhaps not in a conventional setting, but still. It's amazing. We talked about God and how he has been speaking not only to us, but through us. And it's insane when you think about it.
I had a discussion with someone with whom I work about religion. Our views and outlooks. He is someone else that I can appreciate. He comes from a very religious family, but he doesn't go to church. We talked about how his family gives him slack because he doesn't regularly attend, though he lives his life in a Christian way....
I have a friend who grew up religious but is now atheist. I haven't talked to him in months and I randomly ran into him Monday. We sat for a couple of hours and just chatted. About life, love, religion, everything. He's such a truly good person.... We talked mainly about other people's views and assumptions about religion and how people get so caught up in everything that they miss what it really is.
I had another conversation last night with someone who grew up in The Church, but now claims to be atheist. He had the same issues as everyone above. That people miss the message. But his was interesting because everyone else's argument is that you can have religion and a relationship with God without attending, without all of the rules, by following what he tells you. This person loves the church. It's funny because he'll start to let on how much and then feel bad, but he truly does. His problem was that he doesn't Feel God....
I dunno. Regardless, these are very small examples of reminders. I guess this is what Lent is about. For some reason, on Ash Weds, I became obsessed with Job. I've been reading that a lot lately. And I have had some suggestions the past week of other books I should be reading right now. It's just funny to me how when someone opens the door to talk about religion, everyone jumps on it. It's almost like it's a taboo. But once you get it out in the open, people are happier. sure, not everyone wants to talk about it, but a lot of people do. And we all have so many shared thoughts on it right now. And it's comforting. This is the community we need...

Friends

I truly have amazing friends... I love them more than they know. I know I've been posting about it a lot, but I'm so incredibly happy with where my life is going. With what is to come. With the company I keep. Sure, every day isn't incredibly fantastic, but I wouldn't trade mysocial life for anything. The people around me inspire me and remind me of things so much. Not to mention they just make me so happy. I can't begin to count the number of times over the past few months, that I've just been sitting with my friends and they do something so unique to themselves that I just smile. I'm talking this huge, goofy, ear-to-ear smile. I love that people can be that honest with themselves to let it out. Sure, we all have our weaknesses and we all get caught up in the little boxes society tries to place us in. But the moments when that beautiful expression just seeps out of them... It's amazing. Or when my friends have this ability to say something simple, just a comment, and it reminds me of what beautiful people they all are.

Family

My mom is coming to see me soon. I honestly can't wait. I love that woman so much. And since my grandpa died, that's all I have. It's not, but she's def. my strongest link. We are also really close. I'm her best friend and I know she will feel a lot better after seeing me, as well. We were talking the other night about her parents being sick. She's been spending time with my grandparents a lot. A couple of weeks ago, she helped them with their obituaries and funeral arrangements. Then, she had to help them situate their will and everything among the family. Talking to me about this brought up her thoughts and plans for her life. We discussed which of the kids were getting what when she passed. It's kind of funny, really. She and my grandfather both know me so well. When my grandpa died last April, we found out that I was left his guitar. That is so amazing and so personal and so what I would want more than anything. My mom is being the same way. But even beyond all of that silly selfish stuff is what the things really mean. The personal history with everything. We have a farm that has been in our family for 5 generations. Getting ready to add to that. When my grandparents die, it goes to my mother, and she is giving it to my sister. And we talked about how it can never leave the family. That we will have to all agree if it is to be sold. And I think that is amazing. Then, it will go to my nephew. It is set up already. My family lived in that house for a short time when I was in 3rd and 4th grade. My mom and I talked about how it felt to be there. We both compared it to church. The way you just get that sense of well-being and that feeling as soon as you get there. We talked about some of the dishes that have been in our family for insane generations and my great grandfather's law books. I get my grandma's secretary, and that is so amazing to me... I don't know. It's one of those things where I feel so honored.

I've just felt so content and happy over the past few months. And did I ever need this. I still get stressed out and upset and depressed, but.... There is so much more. So much more. Eff medications and all of that jazz. I was talking with a friend and he mentioned the idea that life is this amazing gift. I felt guilty at first, thinking about most of my life and history. But I know I've been reflecting that so much lately. Spring is such an amazing time of year for me. And the springs that haven't been, well, they have been some of my worst times. Specifically the spring before last. That has been my lowest point. But, God had more for me. And He's made me listen. He's made me realize everything I used to take for granted.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm reading. I'm crocheting, I'm cleaning, I'm just spending time hanging out with my cat. I need another job. I'm seeing my friends. I feel so enriched right now. Which one wouldn't expect with my time off of school. Again. Bleh. But I'm going back and I'm not going to fuck it up this time. I'm ready. Because I'm done taking things, including school, for granted.

I don't know what to do to show everyone how much I love them, and what they mean to me. I'm so bad at it. I try, but for some reason, I'm not sure if they really get it. If they can truly understand how blessed they make me feel. How blessed I am. And how thankful I am, and undeserved it all is.