I'm sick of playing this silly game.

I've had a great week. I've been happy this week for the first time in months. But everything is going downhill. I was really prone to sadness for a while, and right now I'm tending toward anger... That's never good. Ever.

I've been mourning the loss of a very good friendship. One that has ended as a result of most unusual circumstances...

The loss of this gets to me every single day. It's thrown most of my world on end, and made me question most things in my life...

Coupling this feeling of loss with the in-your-faceness [I made that up] of relationships lately has really not been the best combination a girl could hope for.

I had a friend tonight give me a lecture about how being a person with convictions in the "punk" community will get me nowhere. I won't find anyone to date or be with or anything. I explained to him that I am usually fine being on my own. I seem to prefer it that way. However, every year when winter rolls around I am only reminded of how alone I am. People snuggle up with significant others, or find new people to date, as the whether gets colder. It's like they need someone to keep them warm. We have the terms Spring Fling and Summer Romance, however you never hear anything about the winter. I guess most people find someone more stable during the winter? I don't really know.

Anyway, my friend gave me the lecture that all guys are after sex. They either know me, or know someone who knows me, and thus already know. And he went on and on about how I'm not going to find anything, blah blah blah. He said that I need to go to ICTHUS or Cornerstone if I want to find anyone I might have a chance with. Or that I need to hang out in churches. But, he also said that he respects and even commends my beliefs. Sigh. As does everyone, or so they say. No one wants me to compromise them, and I wouldn't, but they want me to know it is a weakness.

I'm sick of it being a weakness. Even if I don't find true love, whatever that is, I would like a friendship in the least. I would like attention and affection. Even if it is platonic. Sigh, but this is not the season for that...

And I'm okay with it. I really am. I love me. I love who I am. And no one is going to change that. Tomorrow I'll be back on top of things. It's just a struggle to deal with sometimes....

I feel lucky alone tonight
Another whiskey and you're further from my mind
I'll be dancin' alone tonight
My love, I shine so bright

You'll be cryin' at home tonight
Blame the devil for you lost your light
Cause I'll be dancin' alone tonight
My love, I shine so bright

Would you even recognize me if you saw me in a dream?
If you passed me on the street, would you even say my name?
Would you even recognize me if you saw me in a dream?
My love I shine so bright

I feel lucky alone tonight
But I wish that I were in your arms just one more time, yeah baby
I'll be dancin' alone tonight
But I wish I wish I wish I wish that I was yours

-Ava, Lucky Alone