Shadow

It's funny how people change. How I change.

Since I last posted, I have learned both a great deal about myself and other people. I've changed my patterns of behavior in relating to other people completely. I've stopped being social because I feel I have to, and I've started making more of an effort to spend my time doing what I want to do. The funny thing is, it has worked out amazingly well. The funny thing is that I have always been the one to give everything that is Me to my friends, and hold back from my relationships. That has done a complete 180. Perhaps because of a friendship. Who knows.

I have a job that I know I am going to be happy with. Things are looking up for me.

And, yet I find myself back in that place. Nothing real to complain about. No outside forces ripping away.

So, what's wrong?

I explode every day. This isn't good for me. It also isn't good for the people around me. The sad part is, that after a mere two months, patience is wearing thin. I'm wondering how things will be in a year. It scares me.

That's a problem, too. Fear.

I know who I am.
I know what I want.
I know that I somehow have this ability to build everyone around me's dreams into fruition.

What about my own? Why can't I take that first step?

And, why can't I make the people around me see that helping me do that is more important to me than helping me with the the things they do. Sure, they are huge things on their part, but they are mindless everyday things for me.

The fear is holding me back. These other things are only an excuse.

So, what do I do?

Where do I find my metaphoric jumper cables?

Sick of thinking tonight.

I'm finally in a place where I don't want to loose everything I have. If I don't get my act together, I will. Again.
This time, it's more important than ever before.

So, if fear is holding me back, and I have everything I've ever wanted at stake, how in the hell do I do this?

Yeah. I didn't know either.