All the slander and double speak were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean anything but the blatent truth

The year may have just started, but I am determined to make it a good one, which is why it may kill me. It would seem that starting it off with a run-on sentence is the best way to do this....

Somewhere in the folds of rebellion (mostly against my self), I started to lose track of who I was. My self-confidence really was shot for quite some time, and self-loathing worthlessness became my constant state.

Thanks so to much help from those around me. I truly wouldn't be here without them. During the latter half of 2006, I took control of my life, and my actions once again. The burden of responsibility is hard, really hard. Without the responsibility that comes with the burden, you don't have the power to make any changes.

The steps have been hard. Damn hard. But, the reality that I can have, do, and achieve truly anything is something I missed much more than my scapegoats. By the end of this year, and possibly before, I will once again be that fantastic girl you remember. The girl that you've seen peek her head out for special events, but run hiding again.

I'm in such an unfamiliar place for me. Five years ago, I loved everything about my life. Every actual aspect of my life was the happiest I could imagine it. The feelings fucked it up. This created a downward, unpleasant spiral. Every wonderful aspect of my life slowly slipped away, one by one. I didn't have the power to hang on to anything, to set any boundaries. Each and every thing in my life was an indulgence, including those most detrimental. That is the state that i maintained. I still had that sparkle of desire in my eye, and i would set my hopes up without follow through, only to be disappointed and give up. That's not who I am, and I'm still not sure on why I let it control who I was.

So, all of that has lead me to where I am right now. I know I'm better than all of this bullshit, so I have to change it. It's annoying as hell, and I'm still scared. But, I really don't think it can get much worse than it did over 2006, so why worry? I have been paying my bills for over six months. I have been late to work twice in the past four, when it used to be a very regular occurrence. I'm taking time off from volunteering for others so that I can get my own life together. I have a fantastic resume, and every reason to find a better job. I plan on applying to take some classes again next month. I've been reading again, and taking more of an interest in myself. Heck, even writing has been a rarity for me as of late.

This isn't the turn in this blog where I get all sappy, but I do have to mention what I feel is noteworthy. I've never been in a position, before now, where someone so important to me believed in me more than I myself did. It's had a huge impact. I had grown accustomed to letting my life fall apart while I provide my loved ones with the ideas, means, and any other necessary support to achieve their dreams. For the first time, I have someone that pushes me to focus some of that energy on myself. He makes me worry less about people who expect things from me, or even causes that I can't really change. I'm not saying that I've lost faith, support, or any conscious as far as the issues i hold dear. I just mean, he's made me re-evaluate my priorities, and what I have to contribute. The amazing thing is that there is no flattery, or falsity there. He tells me things I know, and has concrete evidence for everything he says. He also tells me when I'm wrong. I guess the point is just, I really need that wake-up call. And, I appreciate the support more than i know how to express.

So, I'm back. In full force, and new fashion.
Success will be mine.
Forward-motivation has started. The more quickly I can lessen the weight I'm carrying from my mistakes, the more quickly I'll get there.

Thanks for waiting it out with me.
Thank each and every one of you for not losing faith in me when I lost it in myself.
I love you.

Ps:
Hey, world.... It's on.