One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

My grandfather's name was Moon Because his eyes were bright and round And no amount of time or liquor could dull them My grandmother's name was Joy Because it spilled out of her heart And bathed her precious children in its warmth And there was happiness in life Beyond the sorrow and the pain But how they ever found it I cannot explain

My grandmother passed away last week. It was probably one of the hardest things I've had to experience. I lost her, and I lost my grandfather all over again. Today is the first day in two weeks I've not had a headache. My emotions are still a complete mess. My grandparents have meant so much to me my entire life. Somehow, until I was with my family, I was able to forget the good memories of my grandmother. I held my grandfather in the highest regard; in her decline, my grandmother's character came to let me down. With my family, I saw that it was a result of her decline in health, and thus sanity. I now see that it was the only way she knew how to grieve. My emotions run parallel to my grandmothers. We deal with emotions and respond to stimuli in the same manner. She was hurt that my grandfather left her. He was everything she knew for over 50 years, and he was never supposed to leave her. How naive it was for anyone to anticipate how she would respond. This week has taught me, as I am doing the same thing. I am in the happiest relationship I could possibly have. When I seriously think about it, I am incredibly thankful. My impulsive emotional reactions, however, illustrate something completely different. I am so insecure, jealous, and terrified of losing him that I have created an argument [whether we play it out, or it only lives inside my brain] every single day. I feel so guilty about this. I have wanted commitment my entire life, but I've also been incredibly fearful of it. Commitment means voneralbe. I've never let myself be completely and entirely open with someone. I've been getting there lately. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. I have always been ready for any situation. I've never worried about someone leaving me before. I'm so scared to loose him. Even when I try to prepare myself for its happening, I don't know how to handle it. I've been insecure with myself, and generally self loathing lately, as well. I don' know how to process this, or to function. We have communication problems, this is true. But they are not in the way most think. The biggest problem is the way we function as far as communication. But, we're working on it. Right now, I'm just not sure if I could vocalic my concerns and irritations on a regular basis, or if I should wait to inventory my feelings. I also think I should not fall asleep posting....
....I will edit this later.