Questions for the day

I'm at a weird crossroads in my life. I really like the person I've become inside. I'm happy with her. That's saying a lot. A whole lot. I'm glad that I'm more positive, but I am still realistic. I like that I've changed a ton of things about me to become better. I think I needed this past semester. However, right now, I don't know what I'm going to do to make the changes I need to in my life. They are mainly things I don't know how to control. Things like money. Someday, there will be a break. Somehow.

I am stuck feeling much older than I am, with a constant desire to be younger. I miss the simple pleasures I used to have. Now everything has to mean something. And none of us are able to fully enjoy ourselves. That's silly.

I'm making steps back. And they seem to be working. I'm doing what I want to do just because I want to do it. I'm more forward. I'm kicking my shyness to the curb. It's silly and dumb and just this stupid crutch that we let other people give to us. What's the point.

I'm living my life for me again. If I piss you off on the way, well, you'll get over it. If not, oh well. I just mean I'm no longer worried about you. I never used to be worried about that shit. And, now I will no longer be.

This means in terms of anything. For example, I've done several things out of my comfort zone lately. I've called people. I've shown up, I've dropped by, I've gone places I wouldn't know anyone. I should do that more. If you don't know me and you decide you don't like me just by my presence, that means there is something wrong with you, not me.

But, as much as I say I'm letting these feelings go, I'm not completely.

Another new part of my life over the past moth or so-ish is that I have a real crush again. A complicated, fucked up real crush. But, it's still there. And you're all guessing. Well, except maybe the 3 of you I've told. And those of you that don't know will never guess.

It's awesome. I love being smitten and acting like a 5th grader. I love getting excited at each chance I might see this person. And, it's someone atypical for me. That's awesome. But with this, brings back those feelings I want to rid myself of. The shyness. The questioning. The constant questioning of myself.

But, I'm gonna make it through this. I promise I am. And I'm going to come out better for it. Because that is what I do.

Now, I have had far too many setbacks this year. No more are allowed. And there has to be a break somewhere soon. Very soon. But, I'm still managing to come out better for it all. Perhaps not financially, but mentally.

I'm questioning a lot, and over analyzing again. But, it is what I do best. I'm just trying to reflect and re-prioritize. It was needed, and it seems to be going well. I'm happy with the results, and I'm okay with the questions I can't yet answer.

I'm excited for tomorrow. Well, I'm excited for the future. I want to see how this all plays out. And I can't see any of it ending too poorly.