Finally!

Blogger has been hating me for several days now. Anyhow, here's a post from a few days ago.... Though it's not currently accurate

The world is so funny. Life is so funny. And I'm completely in awe of it. And of other people. They surpass my expectations so often.... There are so many things...

Faith

My best friend and I had an hour long conversation the other day about how he is going to be a religious studies major and wants to do ministry for a living. Perhaps not in a conventional setting, but still. It's amazing. We talked about God and how he has been speaking not only to us, but through us. And it's insane when you think about it.
I had a discussion with someone with whom I work about religion. Our views and outlooks. He is someone else that I can appreciate. He comes from a very religious family, but he doesn't go to church. We talked about how his family gives him slack because he doesn't regularly attend, though he lives his life in a Christian way....
I have a friend who grew up religious but is now atheist. I haven't talked to him in months and I randomly ran into him Monday. We sat for a couple of hours and just chatted. About life, love, religion, everything. He's such a truly good person.... We talked mainly about other people's views and assumptions about religion and how people get so caught up in everything that they miss what it really is.
I had another conversation last night with someone who grew up in The Church, but now claims to be atheist. He had the same issues as everyone above. That people miss the message. But his was interesting because everyone else's argument is that you can have religion and a relationship with God without attending, without all of the rules, by following what he tells you. This person loves the church. It's funny because he'll start to let on how much and then feel bad, but he truly does. His problem was that he doesn't Feel God....
I dunno. Regardless, these are very small examples of reminders. I guess this is what Lent is about. For some reason, on Ash Weds, I became obsessed with Job. I've been reading that a lot lately. And I have had some suggestions the past week of other books I should be reading right now. It's just funny to me how when someone opens the door to talk about religion, everyone jumps on it. It's almost like it's a taboo. But once you get it out in the open, people are happier. sure, not everyone wants to talk about it, but a lot of people do. And we all have so many shared thoughts on it right now. And it's comforting. This is the community we need...

Friends

I truly have amazing friends... I love them more than they know. I know I've been posting about it a lot, but I'm so incredibly happy with where my life is going. With what is to come. With the company I keep. Sure, every day isn't incredibly fantastic, but I wouldn't trade mysocial life for anything. The people around me inspire me and remind me of things so much. Not to mention they just make me so happy. I can't begin to count the number of times over the past few months, that I've just been sitting with my friends and they do something so unique to themselves that I just smile. I'm talking this huge, goofy, ear-to-ear smile. I love that people can be that honest with themselves to let it out. Sure, we all have our weaknesses and we all get caught up in the little boxes society tries to place us in. But the moments when that beautiful expression just seeps out of them... It's amazing. Or when my friends have this ability to say something simple, just a comment, and it reminds me of what beautiful people they all are.

Family

My mom is coming to see me soon. I honestly can't wait. I love that woman so much. And since my grandpa died, that's all I have. It's not, but she's def. my strongest link. We are also really close. I'm her best friend and I know she will feel a lot better after seeing me, as well. We were talking the other night about her parents being sick. She's been spending time with my grandparents a lot. A couple of weeks ago, she helped them with their obituaries and funeral arrangements. Then, she had to help them situate their will and everything among the family. Talking to me about this brought up her thoughts and plans for her life. We discussed which of the kids were getting what when she passed. It's kind of funny, really. She and my grandfather both know me so well. When my grandpa died last April, we found out that I was left his guitar. That is so amazing and so personal and so what I would want more than anything. My mom is being the same way. But even beyond all of that silly selfish stuff is what the things really mean. The personal history with everything. We have a farm that has been in our family for 5 generations. Getting ready to add to that. When my grandparents die, it goes to my mother, and she is giving it to my sister. And we talked about how it can never leave the family. That we will have to all agree if it is to be sold. And I think that is amazing. Then, it will go to my nephew. It is set up already. My family lived in that house for a short time when I was in 3rd and 4th grade. My mom and I talked about how it felt to be there. We both compared it to church. The way you just get that sense of well-being and that feeling as soon as you get there. We talked about some of the dishes that have been in our family for insane generations and my great grandfather's law books. I get my grandma's secretary, and that is so amazing to me... I don't know. It's one of those things where I feel so honored.

I've just felt so content and happy over the past few months. And did I ever need this. I still get stressed out and upset and depressed, but.... There is so much more. So much more. Eff medications and all of that jazz. I was talking with a friend and he mentioned the idea that life is this amazing gift. I felt guilty at first, thinking about most of my life and history. But I know I've been reflecting that so much lately. Spring is such an amazing time of year for me. And the springs that haven't been, well, they have been some of my worst times. Specifically the spring before last. That has been my lowest point. But, God had more for me. And He's made me listen. He's made me realize everything I used to take for granted.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm reading. I'm crocheting, I'm cleaning, I'm just spending time hanging out with my cat. I need another job. I'm seeing my friends. I feel so enriched right now. Which one wouldn't expect with my time off of school. Again. Bleh. But I'm going back and I'm not going to fuck it up this time. I'm ready. Because I'm done taking things, including school, for granted.

I don't know what to do to show everyone how much I love them, and what they mean to me. I'm so bad at it. I try, but for some reason, I'm not sure if they really get it. If they can truly understand how blessed they make me feel. How blessed I am. And how thankful I am, and undeserved it all is.