To unite in a close, usually permanent way

So, relationships are always often a topic of conversation.
I've been blowing through the crush bursts at record speed this year. Most of them aren't even lasting their 2-3 weeks of me liking them. And one leads right into another.

All of my friends seem to be looking for something serious, for settling down. I had that phase. I'm past it. I'm not kidding myself.
Right now, I just want to have fun... Though it def. changes and I'm always open to something else.

Anyway, so many of my friends are getting married. Each year, more and more and more. This year is obviously no different. And it's a good friend of mine getting married. The planning, the dresses. The open bar, hahaha!

No, but really. It makes me feel the way you did when you were a small child, picturing your wedding. It seems so fun to plan and get excited about. Picking out the perfect ring, dress, colors, bridesmaids' gowns, and all of that. I want to plan something like that for myself. But, alas, I will not.

I'm not really sad about this or bothered. Just, a bit envious. I don't think I'm ready for marriage. I don't want it now, that's not what I'm saying. It just seems like an idea that is so far out of reach, as most things do these days. It's almost like it's one of those things that I talk about, and that other people do, but I won't.

I was talking with a friend on Sunday about the ethics of cheating. About how the cheater is wrong and not the mistress/mister. I referenced "helping" people cheat. He stopped the conversation to say, "You don't have sex, you don't cheat." I said, "Through what I do, it has been enough to upset people in relationships." He said, "Ok, just making sure. I didn't want you to have gone and had sex without telling me." I responded, "Don't worry. I'll be sure to keep you updated on my sexual adventures. In 40 years, when I get married and have sex, I'll totally give you a call." "In 40 years? You're not going to get married for 40 years?" "Well, it's probably going to take me that long to find someone to marry." "Your standards are just too high."

Sometimes I wonder if that is what it is. Then I reflect. Most of the people I've dated or been interested in, my friends have told me "You're better than him," or "You could do so much better than that," or "He doesn't deserve you." A lot of the time, they're right, hahaha. Not that I'm conceited, but, they're just not good matches.

Then, I start to wonder if I set my sights too low for a reason? Like if I am setting myself up for failure... Most of the relationships I have been in have failed as a result of my own doing. Consciously or subconsciously, I've sabotaged them all. And I know that.

And, back to this wedding nonsense. I truly think that it will be ages before I get married. Be it fault in finding a partner or fault in being mentally and emotionally ready. I just told my friend that I am an adult and I'm still unable to have a Serious Relationship with someone. Mostly because I don't want to. But, partially because I don't know if I am capable.

It seemed that when weddings came up before, mentally, mine was always in grasp. I had an idea of who I was to marry. I had a plan. But now that is gone. And now there are weddings that seem more appropriate approaching. And, I'm not sad. I'm just... disappointed.

Perhaps because I want a reason to be excited. Perhaps because I want someone to be able to hold my interest for more than a couple of weeks. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

My friend gave hope in one of the cutest quotes possible "Well, those Sex and the City ladies didn't find men until they were 35."

Sigh.