I have to stop, before it gets the best of me....

Blah.
Okay, so when I look at my blogs, I feel cynical. Or high. The outlook for tonight's blog: cynical.

So, for two weeks, I was pretty much too busy to function. Or to think. It was pretty awesome. I got fed up with any drama anyone presented and I just... avoided it. Best decision I think I've made, btw. But, it doesn't mean things don't still hurt...

This is the funny part about me you need to understand. I see good in most people. I like most people, as people. But I don't really click with many people. I also detest large groups of people hanging out. I can't function. I get all stupid and self conscious and weird and it's just not fun anymore. Plus, everyone is too busy playing these stupid games to remember to be real. And, yet, I can't live without people. Being social.

My feet hurt. Form over function killed me again. I wore heels incredibly too small to a show tonight. I'm still working on getting the feeling back in my toes.

But, back to my friends. That's kind of what my life feels like. I feel smothered by situations and when I first escape them, things are wonderful. But, there's still the residual sting and discomfort.

So, I've been making new friends, but who knows how that is going to turnout. I'm hoping for the best, but doubtful. And the friends I DO make have significant others. Not that that's bad, but it def. takes away from time. Plus, I'm a somewhat needy person. I need social interaction once a day. It doesn't have to be the same person, but when I find someone I like, I go overboard. I've been like that my whole life. I find someone and I become infatuated with their friendship and I spend all of my time being excited and then there's some shift and I'm new-toy-syndrome-ing over the next friend. It kind of sucks. I should work on being less like that. I think that's why I'm so nervous when it comes to making friends.

And, back to that whole significant other thing. Fuck boys. Seriously. Fuck the one for shattering my heart [yes, it's been like 7 months and I'm still not over it]. Because I'm still dealing with that. And fuck guys for not knowing how I am and what I want and what they should do.

But, really it all comes back to me. I think that someone should know that me barely talking to them means I'm interested-unless it doesn't. And if I'm interested, they should make it a point to talk to me and let me know they are interested without coming right out and saying it. I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. I'm just so annoyed because, seriously. I was crushbursting like MAD last semester. This semester, nothing. I've had... 2 crushes? Yeah, that's right. I've kind of had 3. But it was just me having two crushes on the same person.

And, that's another thing about my insane crush bursting lately... I don't think I've actually had Real crushes on most of them. Just very deep platonic crushes. As in I want to be really close friends with them, but nothing more. Well, save the Real crushes. I don't know. It just has me sad.

And, what is it? My friend said that I'm not attractive anymore because I had confidence then. I don't really much anymore. I've gained weight [gross, right?], I am bored with my clothes. I feel awkward being myself around people because apparently nothing about me is normal. I also feel as though I've failed anything I've attempted over the past few months. That's a pretty good way to feel shitty about yourself.

But what I don't get is that strangers are all about it. It's annoying, yes. But I'm not often attracted to people I don't know. It's happened like once in the past few years [I can't say about before that]. And that was just a dumb situation to begin with. But usually, it takes a few days at least. So, in the time it takes for me to get to know someone enough to like them, they get to know me enough for their initial attraction to be gone.... Damn, what does that say about me as a person?

See, and that's funny. I like myself as a person. I like who I am. I just wish that I could get some of my confidence back. I dunno.

What was I even discussing? I don't remember.

Pretty much, I'm unhappy.
I feel like a failure at friendships.
If I can't even have a friendship, how in the hell will I ever date someone?
I'm not all about being a makeout whore again.
I'm bored with my life.
I want to be inspired.

It's funny how moody I am. Last night, I was happy.
Tonight, I'm not.

Which is kind of funny given the things I've been thinking about lately.
I'm done with ppl who make me feel like crap.
I'm good enough. At least as good as you...overall.
None of us are saints. But, most of us try. We succeed and fail in different places....
I'm done feeling "Not Good Enough."

If things don't work out, Merlin still loves me.
And I have some books I've been dying to read...