Shadow

It's funny how people change. How I change.

Since I last posted, I have learned both a great deal about myself and other people. I've changed my patterns of behavior in relating to other people completely. I've stopped being social because I feel I have to, and I've started making more of an effort to spend my time doing what I want to do. The funny thing is, it has worked out amazingly well. The funny thing is that I have always been the one to give everything that is Me to my friends, and hold back from my relationships. That has done a complete 180. Perhaps because of a friendship. Who knows.

I have a job that I know I am going to be happy with. Things are looking up for me.

And, yet I find myself back in that place. Nothing real to complain about. No outside forces ripping away.

So, what's wrong?

I explode every day. This isn't good for me. It also isn't good for the people around me. The sad part is, that after a mere two months, patience is wearing thin. I'm wondering how things will be in a year. It scares me.

That's a problem, too. Fear.

I know who I am.
I know what I want.
I know that I somehow have this ability to build everyone around me's dreams into fruition.

What about my own? Why can't I take that first step?

And, why can't I make the people around me see that helping me do that is more important to me than helping me with the the things they do. Sure, they are huge things on their part, but they are mindless everyday things for me.

The fear is holding me back. These other things are only an excuse.

So, what do I do?

Where do I find my metaphoric jumper cables?

Sick of thinking tonight.

I'm finally in a place where I don't want to loose everything I have. If I don't get my act together, I will. Again.
This time, it's more important than ever before.

So, if fear is holding me back, and I have everything I've ever wanted at stake, how in the hell do I do this?

Yeah. I didn't know either.

It's my life

I know, I've disappeared.
If you care to know why you've not seen me out and about, this is what the hell happened to me......

Taking time out.
3 jobs + volunteering this summer made me disappear.
1 job + hella catering hours made money grow, but hang out time vanish.
The end of christmas brought me an amazing opportunity.
The Vagina Monologues was amazing. Why didn't more of you come??
Now, I'm just taking care of shit....
Getting a tooth pulled Thursday.
My glasses have finally broken. Peices of the rims breaking off.
New pair as soon as I get my tax refund.
Gotta fill out the Fafsa.
Going back to school for real soon.
Resting.
Getting my health back, getting my finances in order, then my brain gets to grow.
We're looking for a house.
When we have one, you must come over for dinner parties.
I'm going to Sarah W's game night on Sunday. Will I see you there?
There's direction.
There's focus.
Was looking for a new job, but I want school by August.
I like my job enough, I just need more.
Insurance. I want health insurance. I need insurance.
A new car, too. Mine is dieing.
And the snow ate it this week.
But, I've been paying my bills.
And, I'm payign to get my tooth pulled, wich is almost 300 bucks.
I think that's pretty impressive.
All thigns me considered, anyhow.

The downer is....
I miss you guys, I really do.
I want to see you all soooo badly.
Catch is, It'd be lovely to see you between like 6 and 10pm.
Well, some nights later, but if we aim for 10, I think we're doing well.
I just don't want to go out and drink. The money saving part of me.
But I can make you dinner.
You can come over, and watch movies.
We can play any board game you want.
I just think I'm actually starting to REALLY get my shit together.
I'm not just saying it, it's goign to happen.
There's not a lot that could stop me.

Anyway, I love you all.
Remember that thing about rest?
Naps are WONDERFUL.
I love naps.
I don't think I knew how much until lately.
Also, please share literature with me.
I need new literature.
A new book would make my heart sing!
So would money.
I should find a creative way to obtain some.
But, friends totally trump money any day.
So, if you have any spare time, I'd love to catch up.
If nothing else, let's jsut get a cup of coffee and chat.
Drink tea and read together.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your love.
I miss your conversation.
I miss your presence more than anything.
We'll fix this.

lovelovelove

All the slander and double speak were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean anything but the blatent truth

The year may have just started, but I am determined to make it a good one, which is why it may kill me. It would seem that starting it off with a run-on sentence is the best way to do this....

Somewhere in the folds of rebellion (mostly against my self), I started to lose track of who I was. My self-confidence really was shot for quite some time, and self-loathing worthlessness became my constant state.

Thanks so to much help from those around me. I truly wouldn't be here without them. During the latter half of 2006, I took control of my life, and my actions once again. The burden of responsibility is hard, really hard. Without the responsibility that comes with the burden, you don't have the power to make any changes.

The steps have been hard. Damn hard. But, the reality that I can have, do, and achieve truly anything is something I missed much more than my scapegoats. By the end of this year, and possibly before, I will once again be that fantastic girl you remember. The girl that you've seen peek her head out for special events, but run hiding again.

I'm in such an unfamiliar place for me. Five years ago, I loved everything about my life. Every actual aspect of my life was the happiest I could imagine it. The feelings fucked it up. This created a downward, unpleasant spiral. Every wonderful aspect of my life slowly slipped away, one by one. I didn't have the power to hang on to anything, to set any boundaries. Each and every thing in my life was an indulgence, including those most detrimental. That is the state that i maintained. I still had that sparkle of desire in my eye, and i would set my hopes up without follow through, only to be disappointed and give up. That's not who I am, and I'm still not sure on why I let it control who I was.

So, all of that has lead me to where I am right now. I know I'm better than all of this bullshit, so I have to change it. It's annoying as hell, and I'm still scared. But, I really don't think it can get much worse than it did over 2006, so why worry? I have been paying my bills for over six months. I have been late to work twice in the past four, when it used to be a very regular occurrence. I'm taking time off from volunteering for others so that I can get my own life together. I have a fantastic resume, and every reason to find a better job. I plan on applying to take some classes again next month. I've been reading again, and taking more of an interest in myself. Heck, even writing has been a rarity for me as of late.

This isn't the turn in this blog where I get all sappy, but I do have to mention what I feel is noteworthy. I've never been in a position, before now, where someone so important to me believed in me more than I myself did. It's had a huge impact. I had grown accustomed to letting my life fall apart while I provide my loved ones with the ideas, means, and any other necessary support to achieve their dreams. For the first time, I have someone that pushes me to focus some of that energy on myself. He makes me worry less about people who expect things from me, or even causes that I can't really change. I'm not saying that I've lost faith, support, or any conscious as far as the issues i hold dear. I just mean, he's made me re-evaluate my priorities, and what I have to contribute. The amazing thing is that there is no flattery, or falsity there. He tells me things I know, and has concrete evidence for everything he says. He also tells me when I'm wrong. I guess the point is just, I really need that wake-up call. And, I appreciate the support more than i know how to express.

So, I'm back. In full force, and new fashion.
Success will be mine.
Forward-motivation has started. The more quickly I can lessen the weight I'm carrying from my mistakes, the more quickly I'll get there.

Thanks for waiting it out with me.
Thank each and every one of you for not losing faith in me when I lost it in myself.
I love you.

Ps:
Hey, world.... It's on.

Searching

I need to find somethign to do with my life. Something that gives me more. The sad thing is, I also need to make this task profitable.

So, I ask myself... What are my skills?

I can...
write one hell of an essay

organize most anything

alter something and make it beautiful

bake

become passionate about issues

fight long and hard

process thoughts and ideas

I have...

a high school diploma

some college

service related work experience

So, the options are bleak.

I want to plubish books and teach classes.

I cannot do this because I lack....

a college degree

financial stability

a willingness to commit to obligations

So, what do I do?
Where do I go?

Back to school? I can take more core classes, spend money, and miss out on working.

Everything seems so far out of reach.
All issues are old and expored.

I love to volunteer.
I love to protest.
I love to organize.

But I have to get paid.

One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

My grandfather's name was Moon Because his eyes were bright and round And no amount of time or liquor could dull them My grandmother's name was Joy Because it spilled out of her heart And bathed her precious children in its warmth And there was happiness in life Beyond the sorrow and the pain But how they ever found it I cannot explain

My grandmother passed away last week. It was probably one of the hardest things I've had to experience. I lost her, and I lost my grandfather all over again. Today is the first day in two weeks I've not had a headache. My emotions are still a complete mess. My grandparents have meant so much to me my entire life. Somehow, until I was with my family, I was able to forget the good memories of my grandmother. I held my grandfather in the highest regard; in her decline, my grandmother's character came to let me down. With my family, I saw that it was a result of her decline in health, and thus sanity. I now see that it was the only way she knew how to grieve. My emotions run parallel to my grandmothers. We deal with emotions and respond to stimuli in the same manner. She was hurt that my grandfather left her. He was everything she knew for over 50 years, and he was never supposed to leave her. How naive it was for anyone to anticipate how she would respond. This week has taught me, as I am doing the same thing. I am in the happiest relationship I could possibly have. When I seriously think about it, I am incredibly thankful. My impulsive emotional reactions, however, illustrate something completely different. I am so insecure, jealous, and terrified of losing him that I have created an argument [whether we play it out, or it only lives inside my brain] every single day. I feel so guilty about this. I have wanted commitment my entire life, but I've also been incredibly fearful of it. Commitment means voneralbe. I've never let myself be completely and entirely open with someone. I've been getting there lately. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. I have always been ready for any situation. I've never worried about someone leaving me before. I'm so scared to loose him. Even when I try to prepare myself for its happening, I don't know how to handle it. I've been insecure with myself, and generally self loathing lately, as well. I don' know how to process this, or to function. We have communication problems, this is true. But they are not in the way most think. The biggest problem is the way we function as far as communication. But, we're working on it. Right now, I'm just not sure if I could vocalic my concerns and irritations on a regular basis, or if I should wait to inventory my feelings. I also think I should not fall asleep posting....
....I will edit this later.

"It comes down to the simplicity of life. It's so incredibly simple - yet do we ever get it?"

My cousin said that this morning, as our family has been faced with yet another tragic occurrence. My grandmother will pass soon. We’ve been waiting for her to pass since eleven o’clock last night. The doctors have said that she may be sitting there for a matter of minutes, hours, or days before she finally leaves. All of our lives have come to a standstill. It’s amazing how rare we are able to do that. No person has control over this situation, and if we did, we would make something happen. This next week will take everything out of us. Each moment is spent with this incredible weight hanging over our heads, yet, in our efforts to ignore what we cannot change, we focus on the most inappropriate topics.

She pointed out that we all think about the hard times that were so prevalent in the last days of my grandmother’s life. We focus on the family arguments, and our own selfish egos. I still do not understand why we do this. Who cares about whatever inheritance is left? What does that matter? No money or possession will replace the love, support, and general nourishment this woman provided our family. Even in her moments of weakness, she loved us wholly. How can we even begin to replace something like this?

Why is it we are made to feel shameful? Life gets in the way, it always does. It is certainly understandable, but I question if it is completely forgivable. Learn from the lessons. Yes, things happen, and others must take a back seat. This is where the excuse is understandable. However, don’t let yourself fall back on that. Be honest. And don’t get so caught up in things that you realize what you should do/have done before it is too late.

If you love someone, show them. Don’t just tell them. You have to show it. You have to think of others more, and of yourself less. Never be ashamed. Even if what is in your heart, or your head, disappoints someone you admire, you owe it to everyone to be honest. Why do we hide? Why do we avoid the truth? Why are we so scared of protecting ourselves?

Why do we listen to others?

Negativity breeds negativity. It has the power to trump positivism. It has the power to destroy us all. Their thoughts, their doubts, their fears begin to breed in our subconscious. An innocent statement or gesture can be misconstrued and wreak havoc on the emotions of many. It makes me want to run.

I don’t want to be suspicious.

I don’t want to be angry.

I don’t want to be sad.

I don’t want to be there.

I don’t want to be here.

I don’t want to wait anymore.

I don’t want her to die.

Can't marry no one, no one, no one

Yet another one of my closest friends are getting married.
Naomi got engaged yesterday. Her wedding is Next September.

Rachel got engaged this summer and is busy planning her wedding. Becky gets married next month. Monica was married last month. Monica Arnett's wedding is this summer. Emily and Dustin got married lat August. Frances was married last year. Jerry is married. Chris is married. Brooke is married.

I'm sure there are more.

These are the people that I spent some of the most shaping times of my life with, and they've all moved on.
So, what's holding me back.
Me.
I am not finished with school because something is holding me back. I'm not dating anyone because I'm still afraid to commit. I'm just not ready to grow up, and I seem to be throwing a temper tantrum and dragging my feet just to slow it down.
Is this really what I want??

I remember hanging out with Becky when she was 23 and she and Monica would talk about wanting to get married. I thought they were nuts. Becky would talk about wanting babies. I REALLY thought she was crazy.
I said that would never be me, I wasn't getting married until I was 35.

Well, here I am, 23 and jealous.

I want to get married soon.
I am tired with this whole dating around thing.
I'm tired with everything. So tired that I don't have the energy to make things happen anymore.

I want kids even more than I want to get married. I cannot WAIT to be pregnant.
And I want to have kids before I am 35.
I want to live long enough and be young long enough to see them grow and to help them.
I don't want to be 58 when my oldest is my age now.
There are worse fates, but... I just don't want that.

I think part of these desires have been shaping my thoughts lately. Things about me that I was too young or immature to understand are coming to light.
I was so idealistic.

Oh, man.
I don't want to get married to just anyone.
But it's been so long since I've met someone substantial.
And I'm still holding on to those from the past, but they are less than interested.
And.... I'm going to have to meet someone soon.
Or
Artificial insemination and single motherhood here I come.

Ok, that's a joke, I really don't want that.
But
I just want something to work out.
For once.

As much as you want to, you can't rely on someone else to make you feel alive. That's an inside job.

I've been immature a lot lately. As we all can be. And I really have some repenting to do.

My life has kind of been like Boy Meets World lately. You know the episode where Cory falls for the Ski Lodge girl, and that makes him see that he has been taking Topanga for granted? Yeah, that's me. But with friends instead of a relationship.

I know who I am.
I'm old and I'm set in my ways. I had to take a step back and sort out some newer situations. And now I see how things really are.

I need to judge less. Because in the end, it doesn't really matter. What matters is how you treat me, which has always been perfect.

There's a difference between feeling like those around you are judging you just because they are critical people by nature, and then having people actually judge you. At least we talk things out. The only time that never happened was my fault, and they were my issues. And I see the error of my ways.

The best part is you've remained perfect to the end. You've forgiven my mistakes, you've let me do what I have needed to do. And I thank you so much for that. I'm sorry that in my immaturity, I questioned your respect for me as your lack of notice/concern. I have not acted in a way of which I am proud. Or a way that is common to me. And I value your understanding, love, and respect more than anything.

The guilt is eating at me. I've apologized a thousand times over, but I still see it every day. This is who we are. And we can all make changes to slowly grow. Each of us are doing what we need most in our lives, and there are reasons for the decisions we make. I have known this, but it's been setting in more than normal lately.

I will get there.

No more distractions.

Friendship can never be underestimated.

I don't want my life to be magazine perfect, I want my life to be lived in

When I think about the pain I've endured in this life, I think of it as though it is a piece of furniture. I want my life to be like the big wooden pieces in my grandparents' houses. The ones that are beautiful. They are constantly oiled and loved. The wood shines, and the stain still fills the room with color. However, they have been through many moves, as well as children, and grandchildren. This has created scrapes and scratches, and the occasional gouge in wood. This gives it character. It has been used, and isn't that the sign of love? No one really loves something that just sits on a shelf.

A friend of mine has a prominent scar on her stomach from a surgery. A few weeks ago, she was tanning and some of the "magazine" type girls at the pool took note. They started talking about the scars they have on their bodies, and how they hate them. That is so appalling to me. My body, for one, is completely covered in scars. Some of the scars came from good experiences, and some from bad. Regardless, they are my scars. The ones from good experiences remind me of time spent with people I love, or activities I have loved. The ones from bad experiences remind me that I have passed several tests in my life. They are a constant reminder of the things I have endured, as well as proof that I can survive my fair share of experiences, and still come out singing and laughing. I also wonder if anyone mentioned to these girls that most tattoos are like a scar. Scars we choose to get.

Not all scars are physical, don't get me wrong. And each test we are given is different than any surrounding us. I know a girl who has suffered no more heartache than losing a grandparent or pet, having to work a part time job for spending money, having a younger brother who brings her family embarrassment, or losing a boyfriend. I constantly have to remind myself that this is as bad as she has experienced. She knows about my trials, but as she did not experience these herself, or even know of them as they were occurring, they are no worse to her than the stories of raped women, battered children, and all other horrors of which we are globally aware. [Note: This is not to say she doesn't feel empathy for these woes, but that they are not personal, and thus don't seem to effect her as deeply.]

The point is, my experiences are valuable to me because they are just that, mine. They have made me who I am now. They have accentuated features of my personality I love. They have also created some that I almost loathe. In ways, they have made me more jaded, and more cynical than I would like to be. However, I also think they have made me more compassionate and understanding.

And, here we reach my flaws. I can talk myself into liking or hating anything, to the point that I become utterly confused. When typing the part about being understanding and compassionate, I thought about using it in moderation. That thin line that lies where being aware of the reasons for some one's behavior stops, and letting yourself become used and walked on starts. Oh, moderation, how you tease me. This is one thing I've never been good at my entire life, moderation. I chalk it up to poor impulse control. Any way, it somehow gets the best of me in the end. That little demon that leads me into the path of seeming hypocrisy that is no more than basic contradiction.

Which all leads me back to my mother [from whom I am truly an extension]. I believe I reference it in a profile somewhere as another one of my contradictory titles, but I will never forget the insight she gave me on my life. One night, my freshman year of college, my mother told me that a therapist had once referred to her as an Iron Butterfly. That night, she told me that she thought the term applied to my life a thousand times over [and those were easier years].

I was going to explain what the concept actually means to my mother and me, and I looked on the Internet. Dictionary.com defines it as some sort of options strategy. That's not right, so I thought Wikipedia might offer some insight, though it only provided information on a hard rock and psychedelic band. So, I do get to define it myself, after all.

Iron Butterfly is meant in the most literal terms. Butterflies are incredibly fragile beings that, while able to endure, are in constant danger. Iron is very heavy and durable metal. My mother told me that while I am fragile, and often wounded, I will always survive. I am beautiful and sensitive, yet incredibly, and often surprisingly, strong.

I love this analogy. I think it's one of the most suiting things said to me, and it is no wonder that it was said by my mother. I am that butterfly, though I believe that I am lined with Iron. No one can see it, and I still get those scrapes and gouges, but I'm pretty sure that I can handle any situation. I love that.

And, yet again, I'm not picture perfect. No one wants to see an iron butterfly in a beautiful scenic shot on the cover of a magazine. They want to see something that is all show, and often times airbrushed and perfected to the point of no longer being real. I am not that, and I am thankful. I think most of those who desire picture-perfect lives can never attain them, and are always left with that reminder. They are also often trying so hard, that they create this facade, which can become incredibly lonely. And, what of those that do reach this goal? How depressing is it to have a life of beauty without substance? I guess it's just all in your priorities.

I know that I am incredibly happy to have a life full of substance and joy...

...not to mention the ability to look fabulous while living it.

Whatever makes you happy and sets you free...

So, sometimes I think I get what I like to call ''safety crushes'' on people.

They're when I feel like this.

This being defined as actually thinking I might want a relationship, but knowing the second I get one, I'm going to become annoyed or I'm going to run in fear.

So, back to my thought.

They're people I have no real interest in, but everyone needs someone to occupy their mind.

This someone can be gay or in a relationship or in some other way completely off limits to me.

This is what keeps them safe.

A point of clarification, if this obstacle is removed, the crush is gone.

I bring this up, because I seem to be having trouble creating even these.
And something is wrong with everyone I meet...

My eyes are dry and it's late.

Time to spend another night sleeping on the sofa....


Ever heard the phrase about feeling more lonely when surrounded by people?
Sigh.
Night.